I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
