Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
