im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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