he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
