Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
