i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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