My liver just broke up with me...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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