Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
