Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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