I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
