btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize