Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
