So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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