he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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