My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
