My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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