I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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