I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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