I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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