I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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