Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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