WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
