the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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