You're a womanizer and a bitch.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
