DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
