apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
