i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
