We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
