Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
