That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
