I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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