At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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