Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
