yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
