I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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