Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
