Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
cat food counts as protein by the way
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
