I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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