i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
