You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
