dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
