he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
