I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
