Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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