Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
