Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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