At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
