So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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