I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
