i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
whose parrot is this?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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